He said I would do it.
Told me I would deny him three times.
God, what have I done?
I promised even if everyone else fell away, I would not.
And I tried, believe me I tried.
When they came for him, with swords and spears, to take him from us, the others has scattered, to goodness knows where.
I followed as the led him to Caiaphas’ house.
I was terrified, believe me.
It wasn’t normal to be skulking about in the dark, and here I was, like a thief in the night, in a place I did not belong.
At Caiaphas’ house, I had a rush of bravery. The crowd which had come to arrest Jesus was there, milling about the courtyard. There was a fair few of them, and in the darkness, I would blend in.
I listened. I think I heard his voice a few times.
I did not know what was going on.
I was frightened. Realising I was alone, even among all this crowd.
One of the servant girls looked at me.
I looked away, trying not to be noticed.
She was coming this way.
What to do? Stay and maybe be arrested too or run and be hunted down?
I was too scared to move.
“You were with Jesus of Galilee,” she said to me.
I denied it. Pretended I knew nothing
Decided I’d be better getting out of there before anyone else realised who I was
At the gate, another servant girl pointed at me, saying to those who were around her “This mas was with Jesus of Nazareth.”
Again, I denied it. I needed to save myself.
Some of those who the second servant girl had spoken to came up to me. My accent was giving me away.
I was a Galilean, there was no denying it.
But I did deny him, once more. To save my life.
It was getting close to dawn. I knew I would have to leave Caiaphas’ house. There would no longer be shadows in which I could hide.
The rooster crowed, dawn was breaking on a new day.
Dawn was breaking on my denial of the one I said I would never deny
Not once, not twice, but three times.
The tears flowed bitterly as I realised all I’d done.